My New Ride: The Beast!

People seem to be fascinated with my new ride, "The Beast". You've seen the photos: a monstrous 8-ton shiny black armor-plated limo-tank. Built by General Motor's Cadillac division and designed by the Secret Service, it's based on a truck chassis from the gigantic GMC Topkick truck. There are not many places you can go these days and sit in total silence. With its eight inches of armored plating, Boeing 747 doors, and an airtight cabin, The Beast is a completely sound proof cocoon.

You've probably already heard about the:

• 8 inch thick armour plating, including ceramic materials included to detonate any projectiles
• Kevlar reinforced run flat tires with inner steel wheels
• 5-inch thick steel plate armour underneath the car to protect against bombs and DC potholes
• Completely air tight cabin and an emergency oxygen supply to protect against chemical and biological attacks
• Armored and foam filled fuel tank.
• Pump-action shotguns and tear gas cannons.
• Bullet-proof windows where only the driver's window opens 3 inches.

• A rocket-powered Obama ejection seat
• Front-mounted chain slicer
• Two rear-mounted 10 foot parachutes
• Defensive smoke-emitter, nail-spreader, and oil-slick dispensers
• A grappling hook which gives The Beast its wall-climbing capability
• Anterior/posterior wheel-based axle bombs
• Ultra Deep Kneading Foot Massager featuring soothing, infrared heat technology